A hole in my heart…

This is the story of a girl who knows what it means to live with a hole in her heart.…

I love Jesus, he’s my Lord, but we didn’t always have this relationship, we didn’t always gel this way. Let me take you through my timeline…

I was born into the home of parents who believed in Jesus as the Christ, I was taught carefully the ways of the christian faith. The church was my second family, it was my hang out, it was my school, it was pretty much my life, and I loved it! I loved th activity, and as a child, i took part in the drama unit, choir, choreography team e.t.c. I just loved it. I remember preaching passionately to my friends the same things my parents had preached into me, i believed with all my heart that those words were true. Doubt wasn’t even a thought, understanding was not so important, then something changed…

I grew up, and my childlike faith began to fade. I realized something funny, there seemed to be a void in my heart, a vacuum that sometimes made it difficult for me to breathe. It sounds funny and unrealistic when i say this, but i could feel this void as tangibly as I could touch my nose, i could feel a hole in my chest. Something was missing. I didn’t know how to fill the void, i didn’t even know why there was a void. There were times the confusion was so distressing i would end up in tears, and then i began to wander, i strolled into paths that mummmy and daddy had warned me never to cross, things I had once ‘preached’ against, i started to doubt the things that I once held as law, there were too many questions but no answers. I managed to maintain the facade of the church girl on the outside, but my heart, my heart was empty, and it hurt. I’m not sure hurt sufficiently describes the feeling that plagued me, there were days that life seemed meaningless, i began to believe i was sinking into depression (and maybe I was). Death was a welcome thought, to just sleep and never wake up, i actually desired it, i didnt want to keep waking up to this confusion called life. I hated felling empty. Then something changed (again).

I can’t really tell how it happened, but something strong started pulling me to God, telling me to check out my bible for myself, to look into the word, it was silly but it was such a compelling force and as i obeyed, I began to understand, to understand the things I had been taught from childhood but had never really grasped. I became interested in learning more, so I began to listen to messages and buy Christian books, but specially i was blessed with an amazing friend that encouraged me all the while. Life became meaningful, doing church became beautiful. I just felt fuelled with passion, it all seemed clear now, i could understand for myslef now, not because someone forced it down my throat. I was different, i wanted to live and I knew exactly why!

There are tears in my eyes now as i remember, one day it hit me like lightening, all of a sudden the hole in my heart was gone! I couldn’t feel the void anymore, i didn’t even know when it disappeared because I had gotten so used to its presence, i thought it would never go. You can’t understand why I love Jesus so much till you’ve lived with that kind of void and then experienced the miracle of being fixed.

Whenever i get too used to this new life, whenever i begin to get comfortable and complacent. I remind myself of that empty, depressed, hopeless girl with a hole in her heart and i know that I can never be thankful enough for what Jesus has done with my life. I feel like a man raised from death to life.

People ask me why I take this ‘christianity thing‘ so personal………now you know.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s