Let me die…

I wonder if there are others like me, who wake up surprised to find that they are still alive.

Every night when i lay my head down to sleep there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to ever wake up again, because for some reason life holds no attraction for me anymore. So while most pray daily for long life, I live through each day praying sincerely that it would be my last.

Let me tell u a bit about myself, I’m a young man with a good Job and a family that loves me. I work hard and I’m good at what I do if I must say so myself. I wasn’t born with a silver spoon but neither was it plastic, I don’t have all I want but never have I begged. To some my life is perfect, others would say ‘comfortable’,  most think I’m just ungrateful others say I’m a sadist and some think I’m crazy, I leave you to take a pick and please don’t be nice just speak your mind.

‘Where there is life there’s hope’, I don’t know if people really believe in that statement or its just a cliché with a good ring to it. I ask myself what hope? If I’m the man who lost his whole family in a plane crash and got home to find that his home was razed to the ground, what hope lies in the fact that I’m still living? Would I not rather die and leave the world with all its troubles than live life trying to rebuild what I’ve lost when there’s the possibility that I’d lose it all again? Call me a coward but I’d rather die. Then there are those who would think of me as heartless, for wanting to die and leave behind those who love me. But answer me this question, whether or not I die now or in years to come won’t I still die? Wouldn’t loved ones still have to mourn?

Now I know you must think that I’m an athiest, but that’s where you are very wrong, I’m a Christian, born-again, circumcised on the 8th day and baptised at twelve. Do I believe in heaven? Yes I do, that’s the more reason why life on earth holds no attraction for me. Sometimes I think solomon and I share like minds, life indeed is vanity so why live? why spend all your time to acquire things that would all be taken from you at the end, every last bit of it?

No matter how crazy you think I am or how ungrateful to God I might seem I know there’s a part of your heart that sees some reason with what I feel, there’s a part of you that has felt it too. A part that has questioned God and the reason for the things he does, a part that is tempted to see God as selfish because in the end everything revolves around him, those who love him would live forever and those who don’t would perish.

I know I’m not alone in these thoughts, and I’d go to bed again tonight praying sincerely that the next time I open my eyes I’d be walking down a white tunnel……

This young man is just a symbol, he’s asking the same questions that you have asked, he is thinking the same thoughts that we have thought, thoughts that you are too afraid to utter because they seem blasphemous. It’s not just the unbelievers that question God, it those who call him Lord. I understand that sometimes these questions don’t arise from a desire to discredit God or fault him but from a desire to understand why, to assure ourselves that we are not on the wrong side of faith, to make sense of things that seem too far out of the grasps of our understanding.

My mind, often the beehive that it is, wonders and wonders over so many matters, sometimes my wondering leads to fear and fear has a way of causing paralysis, you just want to stay in your comfort zone, progress is uncharted territory with too many risks. But something changed in my heart that I’m not even sure I can explain; I learnt purpose and I learnt trust.

God is God and he’s thinking is so far from ours that even in aeons of years we couldn’t still fully understand him. So why spend the short time I have here asking questions when I haven’t made full use of all the answers I already have?

This post is already so long, I’d have to continue next week. Stay tuned….😊


3 thoughts on “Let me die…

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