Hey everyone, hope we are having/have had a ‘good’ friday. I don’t know about you but I’m excited to see where this all ends. Thanks for going on this Journey with me….Enjoy the final part of the story ‘DREAMER’…..
If you missed the last part, find it Here….
…….As the tears ran down my eyes and onto my cheeks, i asked myself, “what did you just do?”. Minutes or hours later I heard a soft knock on my door, it roused me from my semi-comatose state, i didn’t even know i had fallen asleep, everything came back in a rush and I felt like shedding a few more tears. I heard the knock again. It took some effort to pull myself off the bed and open the door. As expected, my mum was standing there. She came in and sat on the bed then tapped the spot beside her as an invitation for me to sit. I dragged my feet to the bed and sat down. Trust my mother, she went straight to the point “what was that about?” she asked, she sounded rather calm, I ignored her question and asked mine “is he okay?” my mum rolled her eyes and said “of course he’s not, but he’s being ‘macho’ about it?” she told me how she had tried to talk to him before he left, she said he had seemed a bit confused but still very calm. I remembered the look on his face and I felt worse, then I got upset, why was I even putting the blame on me? I looked at my mum and said “but mum, he didnt even give me an inkling of his intentions he just came and propsed out of the blues, for heavens sake, who does that?!” I went on and on about how inapproppriate the whole thing was, I was geting more upset with each word i uttered till i was fully spent and my mum looked at me and said “is that all?” I nodded and she said “are you sure?” I nodded again. She looked me in the eye this time and said “so If Caleb had done the ‘preamble’ first you wouldn’t have withdrawn this way?”. I kept quite for a moment and really thought on her question, I didn’t know when the words came out but I heard myself say “I’m just so scared” she understood what I meant and her face softened a bit, she raised my chin with her finger and said “I understand dear, but you can’t keep running away, you are a child of God now, fear isn’t a part of you, Sound mind is. So call that young man and straighten this out” with that she got up and left, shutting the door behind her. Well that was shorter that I expected.
It took me a full hour to put myself together; I took that time to pour my heart out to God. On the outside I looked rather bold but only few persons knew how fearful I could be and God was one of the few. So I let it all out. Truth is, I was scared of commitment; I had watched many marriages fail, that of relatives, friends, friends of friends and a lot of others and I had watched my parents struggle with theirs. The idea of making such a lifelong commitment scared the daylight out of me, what if I made the wrong choice? What if I later discovered that I wanted out? Marriage was for life, I just couldn’t make that decision lightly and I wasn’t ready to make that choice yet; at least I felt that I wasn’t. I had even watched marriage ruin great freindships. Two great friends get married and they forget all about being friends and start acting in the conventional husband and wife roles. I hated the idea of losing my friend on the altar of marriage. My mum knew this too… I had looked her in her face at 16 and said I’d never marry. I preffered to play safe, even after being born again it was still so hard to accept that marriage could be bliss, just as God originally intended. Deep in my heart I knew i was attracted to Caleb, I also knew i really needed to sort myself out, but first Caleb deserved an explanation.
When I finally mustered the courage to dial his number my palms were so sweaty I could hardly hold the phone. I heard the dial tone a number of times and I held my breath wishing he wouldn’t pick but knowing I needed to talk to him. To my dismay he answered on the last ring and I had no idea how to start. He said ‘hello’ three times before I found my voice, everything I said came out as some form of mumbo-jumbo because after talking for almost five minutes I heard him say “sweetheart, if I’m going to understand anything you are trying to say then you have to calm down and talk to me” I took a deep breath and started over, God, I felt so nervous. I started by apologizing and then explaining my actions then finally I said “I love you, you are a great friend but I don’t think I’m ready for commitment yet. I shut my eyes tightly as I said the words, I didn’t know what to expect but the reply I got was very calm, he said “it’s okay dear everything is going to be beautiful see you in church tomorrow” and then he hung up……
I was all nerves as I got ready for church that morning, as if by agreement, no one in my house mentioned what happened the day before and no one asked if I was ok. I felt like screaming at them for their lack of concern about my welfare. But in my heart I knew they were just giving me time to sort out my feelings. It’s funny how family can be sometimes. It took me so much time to get myself prepared, I changed my dress three times and it was only my dad’s stern look that prevented me from changing it a fourth time. I felt uncomfortable in everything I wore even in my own skin. I ended up making everyone late but still no one complained even when my little sister tried to comment my mum shushed her. My dad drove us to church that morning and he too acted oblivious to my obvious discomfort. Immediately I stepped into the church I saw Caleb, trust my wandering eyes to go exactly where I didn’t want them to go. He had his back to me so I walked past his row of seats to find a seat, ignoring the empty chair beside him. Service had already begun.
I don’t know why exactly I was so uptight that morning, I just didn’t know what to expect and I hated not knowing, or not being in control of the situation. When the sermon started my mind was a thousand miles away but it wasn’t long before the pastor had my full attention, he was speaking on fear. I rolled my eyes, God was making himself rather obvious. I don’t know why it was so hard for me to trust God with this fear, my fear of marriage and commitment. I listened as my pastor spoke. You know that thing that happens when It’s like the message is directed straight at you, well that’s the way I felt. He spoke on how fear can cripple a person and cause stagnancy because fear opens our eyes to all that could go wrong but blind’s us to see how right things can be. He said fear was of Satan but boldness was of God and then he asked, “whose child are you?” He didn’t exactly say anything that I hadn’t heard before, but this time it just seemed to make more sense.
When service ended I felt like a huge load had been lifted off my chest. But I was still a bit nervous about having to talk with Caleb. When I noticed him walking towards me my tummy did a backflip, he looked rather happy giving the situation we were in, still smiling that broad blinding smile of his. First thing he did after taking a seat beside me was to ask how I was doing. I said “I’m good and you?” he smiled and said “the Lady I love is too scared to marry me, I think I’d survive”. I thought about all the ways I could respond but nothing was forth coming, he saw my discomfort and continued, he suprised me by apologising, he said he had been wrong or maybe just too blinded by love not to see that I wasn’t on the same page as he was, “I want us to start over, and I want to do it right this time, lets be friend’s but I’d have you know from now that i definitely want more, there’s no rush, no pressure, if it would take you the next five years I’m willing to wait” then he added “but I know you, it won’t take you that long” I was speechless, I didn’t know if I should cry, say thanks, ask him if he was crazy or just continue to stare in amazement. All I could do was throw my arms around him and give him a big hug. I felt like I’d been given a priceless gift. I heard myself say thank you as he hugged me back. I knew my mind still needed alot of work, but i was so sure things would be fine, for once i was taking a step in the right direction, i was going to look beyond these crippling fears to the promises of God for me. We weren’t in a park with trees and flowers and two fountains but either way, it seems my dream did come true.
Aww..😙. there ends our story people. I’d really miss these two…I’ve so enjoyed writing this. Thanks to all those that kept reading every week and for those that gave up at a point, thank you too!! So what’s next? I don’t know myself but I’d definitely be herr next week by my Father’s grace. Have a great Easter weekend. JESUSRULES#